Odd Socks

Have you ever wondered why when you put a pair of socks in the washing basket only one sock returns? Do they have a disagreement about the brand of washing powder in the washing machine and become divorced? Perhaps one flattens itself against the side of the dryer to remain undiscovered, before hopping away unnoticed once my back is turned?

I used to buy socks in many colours and designs, but I've made a decision to purchase only black socks. This enables me to form new couplings after the separation of others. It does mean that sometimes I wear one sock which climbs half way up my calf, while the other barely covers my ankle, but at least they are both the same colour.

At Christmas time I always received the ubiquitous four-pack of black socks, not that I am complaining you understand, as I do need these annual replacements to subsidise my ever dwindling stock, but although black they had a patterned band around the top. One pair had a yellow band while another had a blue band. One pair had a red band and the other a green. Needless to say I have only two pairs of these socks left, one with a red band on one leg and a yellow band on the other, and a second pair with a blue band on one leg and a green ban on the other.

Have you ever noticed that old socks never go missing? That one with the darned heal, and the other one with the toe sown up where a toenail made a hole, remnants of what was once a thriving community of black socks. This elderly couple have chosen to stay together forever and a day, maybe because more attractive offers fail to come along once old and decrepit, while all of the young and vibrant socks split up at the earliest opportunity, sometimes in their very first wash.

If anyone has had similar experiences please contact me. The mystery of the missing socks is something we must urgently get to the bottom of.

From me to you guess who.

   

  When I was  younger I  received more valentine cards than birthday cards. Huge cards with padded, screen printed, silk panels, which must have cost each hopeful most of their pocket money. They were filled with hearts and kisses, and signed "From me to you guess who?" Obviously these girls expected me to be able to guess who, otherwise why invest so much in a card. I never could guess who, and didn't even bother to investigate for fear of opening up a can of worms. To all of those girls I'm truly sorry.

     Nowadays I only receive a single card from my wife, usually an insulting one about being grumpy or old, and I suppose that I should be thankful for small mercies. My wife hates the lovey-dovey type of cards and always insists that I buy a funny card. Because of this I am  under pressure to make her laugh every time that Christmas, Valentine's day, or her birthday comes around, and as they all come around within the same five weeks of the year, I'm a nervous wreck by February 15th. She also buys a card for me, and by the time  I produce my card,on the appropriate anniversary, she has already spent an hour selecting one for me. While making her selection she's read every card in the shop, while laughing uncontrollably at every single one until  people in the shop are infected by the laughing bug. When she's remembered every card by heart and can even repeat them  on her arrival home, I'm expected to buy one which will make her laugh.

     I find funny Valentines Day cards more difficult to buy every year; there are no messages of love, respect or affection any more, just lewd references to sex.

"Valentine you have the loveliest legs I have ever seen. When do they open?"

Or

"Darling, should we go out on Valentine's Day for a romantic meal and a nice bottle of wine, or we could just stay home and bonk."

     Last year I refused to buy a card at all, but this year I managed to find one which wasn't bordering on pornographic,  although how funny my wife will find it is debatable.  

     After buying a card flowers are expected.  Florists are  aware of this and flower prices  soar faster than the household utility bills until  a mortgage is required to purchase them. In the evening you must take your loved one out for a meal, although if you haven't booked before Christmas the chances of getting in anywhere decent is remote. On Valentine's Day there is always a set Valentines Day Menu. This is the usual three course Sunday roast menu, which  retails at £9.99, but now costs £29.99, while the menu advertises,

"Lover's prawn cocktail,

Cupid's roast beef with Yorkshire pudding,

and 

Sweetheart's sticky toffee pudding.

Is Valentine's Day really necessary? Saint Valentine had no connection with romantic love, he was executed by the Roman emperor Claudius as one of a number of Christian martyrs and his head was preserved at Winchester Abbey. Are we all so insecure in our relationships that we need to invent St Valentine's Day to reinforce our bonds of love, or should we all try  that little bit harder throughout the year?

From Me To You Guess Who?